Thursday, May 8, 2014

Preface

We all make choices. Some take longer to choose than others. But in the end we all make our decision. Choices can be influenced by our history, out hopes or our fears. What you let sway your choice says a lot about your personal strength. 

I have had more than a few times in my life where grief grabbed me by my heart and threatened to shake my hold on reality. I clearly remember making the choice to be strong and hold tight to the fibers of this world. But just standing on the edge of the bottomless abyss and looking down is enough to touch your soul with that darkness. 

I have seen others face the darkness and take that step over the edge. Sometimes they threaten to pull you over with them. That is when you have to choose. Do you let go of that lifeline you held to them and let them go over alone? Do you turn your back an run as fast as hell away from the edge? Or do you go over too?

Not too many people want to admit that they have seen or felt the edge of reality. The ones that plunged headlong over it don't care anymore. Maybe there are some here that haven't seen the dark face of madness. If they exist they are truly the blessed. 

The first time I saw it, I was 13 years old. I watched my mother get closer and closer to the edge. I saw her get lost in madness not knowing what was real anymore. I could always pull her back. But this one night... or was it day? My memory is only being on the edge of the water at the beach. I can't remember if it was day or night but the memory feels like night time. 

I remember it was colder, the light was grayish. I stood with her at the edge of the water. We were fighting and yelling at each other. I said something very mean about her leaving my father. She yelled a terrible lie at me that took me years to get over. It's not the lie she told that is the most memorable. It's what followed. 

I turned from her quietly and walked to the water. I was wearing clothes and didn't care if they got wet. I felt like I was watching myself from outside my body. I just walked to the water up to my waist and stood in shock. I don't remember anything after that. I must have returned, talked to her... It's all gone now. 

The second time was the moment my father told me my mother tried to kill herself. I was holding a towel. I was about to hang it on the hook on the back of my door and again I saw myself like I was watching a movie and the lead character just received bad news. I dropped the towel on the floor like it was just too heavy to hold a moment longer. 

I remember the look on my father's face. He was scared. He must have dreaded that moment for 17 years then for hours as he waited for me to come home to tell me. I can not imagine it. It had to be horrible. 

I don't remember how we got to the hospital. Actually much of my life around and after that day is a blur. I know it's my mind's way of healing. Like scar tissue over a cut. It blurred the details and lost some of the ones that hurt too much. 

The hardest moment was right after she died. I was sent to the hospital chapel and I stood there looking at a stained glass window. Was it Jesus or a dove? I can see both in my memory. They were both there at once. Jesus and the Holy Ghost. I stood on the edge of the black hole that just swallowed her and I begged for someone to save me. 

That was when I made my choice. I chose to stay in this world and stay connected to it. I chose not to leave it. I chose to believe in a power greater than I was and to meekly submit, for just a small bit of respite from the pain. 

Our church teaches that all humans made a choice to follow heavenly fathers plan and thus we came to earth. That is only part of the truth. Humans have souls that haven't completely chosen yet. That's why the war wages on.

Angels are those that chose to fight for Heavenly Father and his plan. To defend it with our lives. To fight the darkness at every turn and to help the souls that haven't chosen yet find the path back to the father. 

Demons also made their choice. They fight for darkness. They whisper to the souls standing on the edge that it's easier to just jump and let the darkness take you. They tell pretty lies to deceive. 

Humans... well humans are all the souls that are still deciding. When the war in heaven broke out the two armies assembled. In the middle were the souls that didn't want to fight. The ones that didn't know what to do. Many had faith in the plan and Heavenly Father but also had some doubts. Doubt is the devil's wedge. 

whoso believes in Christ, doubting nothing, shall be granted whatsoever he asks: Morm. 9:21 

It's the doubt that takes the longest to fully erase. But once a choice has been made and there is no longer doubt, the soul is bound to it's choice. The question is, what if doubt returns? 

I made my choice the night she died. I chose the light and that's when I lost my humanity. I was set apart that night. I was given perfect wings of pure white feathers. Feathers made of light and illumination. Once doubt was gone, the light filled my soul. 

I was given my assignment that night. I knew I was chosen for something important. I held to my new found glory but still was timid in believing I could help fight the war. I grew stronger as the years passed. My light shone brighter. Once, I truly believed I had fulfilled my assignment and was ready to return to the father for rest. 

That's where our story begins. With the end of my assignment on earth. You know now that I am indeed an angel fighting for the father. That I was once human when my soul was still anyone's gain. I had faced the darkness and won. I just didn't know I was going to have to keep fighting the darkness for so long. 






3 comments:

  1. amazing st ory I'm glad you chose the light it is very hard To keep fighting the darkness but you are doing a great job!

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  2. Not alone...Act 2:20...Roman 10:13...there is power in the Name (Jehovah)

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  3. All are difficult and you are emotionally maimed when you live alone without companion
    giorgino.m@outlook.com.gr

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